God's Timing- God's Gift!

To date, this may be one of the most difficult posts to write, simply because it's terribly personal. Since Day 1 of diagnosis, Holy Spirit has been relentless in His prompting to me, "write it down- get your journey out there- even though you have no idea of what's going to happen or any outcome. Just do this because I've said I want it done!" (February, 2009 this journey began. I've done my best to be faithful in His call in my life for I know of His faithfulness to me. How can I possibly deny Him?)

So, here I am. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks out of lung surgery. Even though the surgery threw me a curve ball & was quite a surgery- I'm very, very glad I had it done. It has relieved my breathing (& I'm partial to breathing! I rather like doing it every couple of seconds!) I do not breathe normally, but the improvement of what I'd been suffering for a couple of months is dramatic, so I'm thankful! My appetite has not fully returned (I presently eat about 1/3 of what I normally would eat.) But, again, it's way better than what it was- so, again, I'm thankful!

This brings me to now. Currently, my Oncologist needs me to fully recover from the surgery, just to be strong enough for the next regiment of treatment. (I'm already at a physical deficit- so any strength I can gain will be helpful since the Chemo doses they give me are potent & take all my physical strength!) There are 4 good sized incisions in my left, back ribcage that continue to be terribly sore (I guess God put our ribcages there for a reason to protect those organs... so, messing with the ribcage & beyond is tricky business!)

Together, all of us have been united in prayer for my outright healing. We've also been praying for my name to be chosen for the PARP Lottery - as this drug is not FDA approved, yet. (It is, hopefully, going to help women with Triple -Negative Breast Cancer someday.)

Some of our prayers haven't been answered the way we want. Some of our prayers have been answered with additional doors opening for me, too. My name has been chosen for the PARP Clinical Trial. Mike, the girls & I have had some extensive conversation with Oncology as to what all this means. To participate in this trial, more CT Scans and labs are needed as a "starting point" to measure the effectiveness of the drug or it's ineffectiveness. There is absolutley no current data in either direction. So, we have been on our knees for many days, asking- no begging- for God's wisdom & direction in additional treatment or no treatment.

Let me say again- this is a very personal decision. It's a decision I hope none of you are ever faced with. It's a decision that may have different answers for every woman & even different answers in that same woman's life- depending on so many other variables.

My decison- after constant prayer- & MUCH peace, is to decline all treament from now on. The "toxidity" of PARP, in addition to the two new Chemos is just more than I want at this point in my life & disease. Since there is little data, there is no assurance- at all- these drugs will help. The only thing we know for sure, is that it will not kill the cancer. At best, it will delay it's growth- if it works at all! Either way- it will put me back on the sofa for many of my remaining days. Right now- with the limited energy I have- I'm just not willing to give that away. This decison could possibly limit my calendar days, but having no treatment will allow me to live out my days- no matter how many or few there are.

Oncology is still preparing for the clinical trial for me, should I change my mind next week. (Since I'm a woman- I reserve this right! LOL!) But God has granted me much, much peace in this matter. Mike, Randi, Eric, Taylor & Tyrel support me 1000% & their understanding & support are critical to me.

I believe with all my heart, God has provided me two paths of which He'll bless completely! That's His character- not to give a "right" or a "wrong" path, but two good choices for my life! Oncology expressed the same thing to me. There is no right & wrong, but my life & my choice. They have commited to making my life & last days comfortable with either path I choose- again- I'm thankful!

The cancer is growing at a rapid pace within me & as time goes, it's robbing my body of nutrients, which will make me more & more fatigued. That will be the natural progression as I understand it. For now- I want every ounce of my energy to watch Cason play soccer, hold Braden & feed him candy & squeeze little Miss Paisley! I want to eat the three of them up & enjoy all my moments with them- with some sort of energy! I want to enjoy Mike & do some things together we want to do. I want to be with my girls & their husbands. I want to go to The Hills Church with all those I love & praise God together! I want to spend time with family & friends. I just want to live life- no matter the number of those days! I figure God has those days- & He's not bound by time- so I trust Him.

Don't think I'm not begging Him daily for more time! My whole life I've longed for heaven. I want to see Jesus & talk with Him friend to friend like He did with Moses at the door of his tent. I want to meet Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Jonah & the Apostles! I want to talk with mothers throughout the ages who lost their children or their own lives simply because they named Jesus as their Lord. I want all these things! I want to praise God- truly praise Him- with reckless abandon- no holes barred! In the same breath- I find myself begging God- "not yet!" I'm not sure I understand this part of me except that I'm human & love the gift of life here that He's given. I love the people He's surrounded me with & His church. This is all I know- so maybe that's the reason for the dual-ness within me.

So, bottom line - no more treatments (only comfort meds from now on), living life & loving people for the rest of my days. Cherishing every moment with my family & filling those moments with tons of laughter! Trusting God with my days & finishing strong as He intends.

Thank you for prayers! Please do not stop praying for us! This journey is hard & not getting easier. We lean heavily on our Lord who promises His presence! He is holding up every bit of that promise & we don't walk this road alone. I'm so thankful we know Him! He can be trusted!

Living, breathing, loving, cherishing & seeing some things through God's eyes are priceless to me! Living & dieing in Him- well, that makes a win/win situation for me, now doesn't it? This is what I choose. This life- here & forever- I live with Him!

Blessings!