Lung Surgery Update

Much too much credit has been attributed to me lately regarding strength & courage. If there's any strength you see in me, it is from the Lord. If there is courage, it is God's gift. When He tells me His grace is sufficient, He means He will provide just what I need exactly when I need it. Today, I lean on Him hard! I trust His faithfulness to see that I receive both strength & courage, in His time & in His way! I share with you the decision for lung surgery because since Day One, Holy Spirit has called me to sound the trumpets & have an open heart with all those I hold dearest, all the way to ones I've never even met. I admit, this vulnerability is not the way I would choose on my own, but I'm compelled to share this journey, for it MIGHT help one person to walk their own journey WITH the Lord instead of without Him. So, I write. Not one decision I share with you has been chosen without much prayer & counsel. Thank you for trusting & supporting Mike & me even if it's not the decision you woud make in your own journey- if you ever have to. Since February, the Pulmanologist has drained huge amounts of fluid off my lung three times. Between each draining, doctors watch closely, hoping the speed at which the fluid returns would have been much, much slower, allowing me respite between procedures. That has not happened. The fluid has re-filled my lung at an alarming speed, taking us to the next level of care & decision. The lung surgery I face tomorrow is a comfort/quality of life surgery & not one that deals with the cancer at all. If fluid is allowed to continually collapse my lung, it can "freeze" & breathing normally may not be recovered. Whether I live 2 months, 6 months, a year, or 30, this surgery- if successful- will allow free breathing & normal appetite to return. (Currently, I'm extemely short of breath, tired & have little appetite because the weight of my lung presses on my stomach, blocking any urge to eat.) Hopefully, it will give me quality in the living I have yet to do. Here's what I need: 1) Prayer! Ask God to provide me courage! I'm in need due to the possible painful recovery & I readily admit, I'm leaning hard on my God tonight! 2) No visitors or flowers in my hospital room (waiting room visitors for my family are great, but I need serious recovery time & ask for several days of focusing on what's needed for recovery / flowers sometimes smell strong & recovery of lung & breathing may be effected negatively with flowers.) 3) Whatever kind act you can think of doing for someone in our place would thrill our hearts! There's not a lot of physical needs anyone can do for us at this point, so I ask you to re-direct your incredibly generous hearts to others in your life that have need. Please email, text or inbox me about what you've chosen to do & Mike & Randi will read them to me during my hospital stay. This will bring such joy to us! We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the tenderness we've been shown, the hearts we've seen opened & the powerful prayers offered in love! Blessings!

Quality of Life?

In recent weeks, the topic of "quality of life" has come up over & over again. Mike & I have discussed this at length as we walk this journey together. Randi & Taylor, along with our doctors have respectfully listened & openly joined in these intimate conversations about living & dieing. These are "must have" conversations because life is so precious. Life is a gift. And, life is so brief! Mike & I agree that the exact same conversations are "must haves" when we're healthy, too! These are not to be saved for "terminal" illnesses. Questions of every life needs to include, "How do I want to live today?" "Whom do I serve?" "What am I here for?" "Where am I going?" "What is my purpose & am I fulfilling my calling?" "Who is God?" "Is He worth following?" "How can I help my fellow-man?" "Who is my neighbor & what can I do to show them Jesus?" "What do I do with my time on earth?" "Am I loving my spouse, my children, my family & friends the way God loves?" "How do I spend my time?" "How do I spend my money?" "Is my character following Jesus or self-serving?" "Am I living with integrity?" "What is the quality of my life?" See what I mean? These aren't questions we're just now asking ourselves for the first time because I have cancer. We're re-asking & re-evaluating so that life can continue to be lived the way it's supposed to be lived. We ask & live so our God is praised even in our weakest moments- because He deserves to be praised with these lives of our's. It's so easy to count the number of my days as more important than the substance of my days. Don't misunderstand! I want more numbers! I want more time! I want to do more things & spend more days with people I love! At the exact moment, I'm acutely aware every single day in my 54+ years has been a gift from a very loving Lord. These days are undeserved & given to me just because He loves me! He's created a cherished daughter in me & having these days gifted to me has absolutley NOTHING to do with my goodness, but, EVERYTHING to do with His! I thank Him with my whole heart for life! For Mike & me, living & loving in the Lord is quality. Doing our work whole-heartedly & serving others is quality. Loving our daughters & sons-in-law unconditionally is quality. Playing & laughing with grandchildren is quality. Going the distance is quality. Sharing Jesus' love is quality. (All this list is FAR from perfection on our part! Our lives are not even close to Beaver Cleaver's family who never seemed to fall short! LOL!) That's when depending solely on our faithful & powerful Lord is quality living! I'm thankful for these significant discussions on quality of life. They're vital to healthy living & purpose. It's important to have planted these "quality" stakes in the ground when the days are full & busy with living! Because, when dark days come (& they come in many more forms than just cancer!), the quality of life is not shaken! "As for me & my house, we will serve the Lord!" Doesn't get any better quality than that! Blessings!

Thursday/Friday Update: God at Every Turn!

Yesterday was quite a day! CT scans from Monday revealed cancer has spread & current chemo not working, so it's immediatley stopped & new course of action set into place. God met us at every turn! He reminded us of the start of our journey by putting us right beside people just beginning their's & we were humbled -again- by the grace of our Lord Jesus! God can speak this journey of cancer away with a whisper! He can speak away suffering of any & every kind, but He doesn't always. We live in a fallen world, a world He's given men free will in. He desperately wants us to choose him. There are many who cause harm upon others with their free will, many who turn their backs on Him & many who love sin instead of Him. Yes, it's a fallen world, for sure, & those of us who believe in Hm deeply with our free will, long for Him to return again & claim the ultimate victory! For now, we submit & wait. For now, we witness the injustices & constantly cry tears of sorrow for people choosing the ways of the world over Him.

Cancer & many other illnesses come in this fallen world of ours. It's a terrible disease & I wouldn't wish it on anyone & I wouldn't blame it on their lack of faith, either. There are many reasons for such diseases to attack, many lessons learned through it & many different outcomes as a result of this disease. Only the grace of God truly lights the path of the one He's leading, revealing Himself through the darkness of this trial. The person and families learn of His goodness, see His faithfulness, experience His power & trust Him completely through this world's disease- for they know Him intimately well & can tell others of what they know, whether there is ultimately physical healing or not.

Mike & I learned exactly 2 years ago of the aggressive nature of this particular breast cancer. We learned 70% with breast cancer are women with no family history, are non-smokers & not overwieght. We learned what the medical community knows and what they don't know (lack of data in certain areas of study). God was never one time dismissed from a conversation we had about the disease. God was never once regarded as only a second opinion & never once heard to say He didn't want me healed. Please hear me say over & over & over that God can heal me at any moment He chooses! He can also choose to keep me on this road if it's for His glory. There are many He healed throughout the Bible at one time but later died at another time. Does that mean they weren't worthy of healing again? Does that mean their faith wasn't strong enough the 2nd time? I dont think so. I don't believe in a health & wealth gospel that keeps people physically well & rich all the time. One that teaches a person will never be sick if they believe it so. God speaks of believers suffering & living in a sorrowful world. He gives direction for when trials come, not if they come. For me, God is sovereign & is in control. I am His vessel & have willingly given myself to Him for His glory. Whatever brings Him glory, I will submit to.

On to medical news as of today since hundreds of you are praying, loving, supporting & encouraging our family! My left lung had rapidly refilled again which required draining, again. Another 4 lbs was removed to give me a sence of breathing & restored a bit of an appetite. Very thankful this procedure went well today & appreciate Mike & Taylor being right by my side.

I have to have lung surgery next week since the lung fills very, very rapidly each time & will continuously need to be drained without it. The surgery is a comfort measure only, but can curtail the fluid & make breathing less laborious, making it easier on my body to work & breathe & will restore some energy. The problem with having the surgery right now is that my white blood count has taken a strong downturn keeping me from having the surgery. The first thing that must happen is to get those counts raised. Please pray for these counts to rise in the next couple of days. Doctor's will check them again Monday or Tuesday & may have to give me a booster shot to get these up. As soon as counts are strong enough, surgery can take place. Then another Chemo will begin the next week. This will be two new drugs combined for this level of chemo. In addition, a PARP Inhibitor (new trial drug for Triple Negative Breast Cancer) can be added to this regimine IF I'm chosen from the lottery! So, I ask you to pray, as each week the lorttery is drawn, my name will be chosen! If it isn't one week, we continue on the chemo & wait for the next week & wait again for my name to be drawn.

Pray for this to work medically & slow the cancer down to give me more time. Pray that if the treatment doesn't work, God will give me more time anyway, because He can do this, too! Pray especially I walk this journey the way He wants me to walk it. Pray for my family as He knows each one of us intimately well. God is still God. That's all that matters when its all been said & done. He is who he says he is! If that's true- and I believe it is- it's all that matters! This hard news hasn't changed our family's view of God at all! He's still saved us, still loves us, still sustains us, still comforts, still provides, still knows every detail of our being & He's still soverign! He's still the Creator of the Universe & cares about every detail of our lives!

Blessings!

Prayer Update!

Thank you for praying for my family & me this coming week! CT scans, lab work, Oncologist & possible next dose of Chemo all on Thursday! This is a very important week for us in learning how this treatment is working, so prayers mean the world to us!

I will write an update after all our appointments on Thursday.

Blessings!

Beautiful Gardens & Stinkin' Weeds!

There are no words, even from a talker like me, that can express our gratitude for prayers today! God continues to listen & answer in powerful ways & through those answers, He just shouts His love over us! Literally shouts His care & provision! It's an amazing thing to witness!

It was about 3 1/2 hours today at Oncology to get done everything that had to be done. Labs were first. Drawing blood to determine where we are in white blood counts (allowing me strength to take treatment) & cancer marker (determining the response me body is having, so far, to this chemo.)

Meeting with Oncologist reveals white blood count had risen into the normal range (great news & answer to prayer!) Have to wait for cancer marker result until tomorrow as it's a 24 hour lab turn-around. I look to Isaiah when the Word says, waiting on the Lord will renew our strength. We've leaned hard on this scripture since the beginning & we lean now. Waiting is a huge part of this journey! Oncology will call us tomorrow with my number, so thanks to all prayers this number is moving downward!

The photo shows I've still got my hair! It's shedding like crazy, but I've not had Mike shave it for me, yet. This is an emotional decision, not an intellectual one. Hair, in the scheme of things, doesn't seem like a huge deal, & it really wasn't the first time around. The first drugs in the chemo I received were a sure bet the hair was going about day 12. There's a lot of data & study in those drugs, & losing hair- with that particular chemo- was like clockwork. Not so with this drug. It is a possible side effect, but the studies continues in this clinical trial, so women like me are watched ever so closely to track needed data. The loss of my hair this time around- in my mind- is much more permanent with the regiment before me, so I'm not as emtionally ready to let it go. Each day Mike stands in 100% support of what I want to do. He's incredibly kind & patient with me as hair is shedding & he adds no pressure at all to me to go ahead & shave it. It's my call & he stands beside me, as always! I know how this sounds, & I would be the first to agree with those who think my hesitance is a bit silly. Today, however, shed new light for me in this struggle. I learned it's possible between different chemo treatments, my hair could grow a bit. No promises, but possibilities. I also learned this MAY only be a thinning & could slow down, not a complete loss. SO, hair or no hair? That's the question!

Oncologist said today to view ourselves as gardeners. We're tending a beautiful garden & weeds (cancer) pop up. We throw chemo on the weeds to cut them back & slow their growth for a time. Once we've cut them back for a time, we sit on our hands (stop the chemo injections) & watch for new weeds to show themselves. As they appear (CT scans & labs reveal them), we throw more chemo on them to slow them, again. Medical science, for this particular cancer, has NO IDEA where the weeds will pop up in the garden, how fast they'll grow or how many there will be. It is a waiting game (remember, WAITING???). The only thing the medical community is certain of, is that they cannot rid the garden of the weeds. They're coming back over & over again. I pray this example helps you- like it did us- to understand our scenario. (This does NOT speak to all cancers & situations! Everyone is different & every cancer is different!) Literally EVERY family is touched by cancer of some sort & it is critical to me I clarify that just because this is my journey, it doesn't mean it applies to the next person with cancer. It is a mean 'ole disease with a myriad of manifestations! I simply share my journey & perspective here.

Chemo was next on the agenda today & so far, I have tolerated it well. This is a merciful answer & I'm grateful. Toleration to this drug will help keep me on it, so, thank you, Lord!

A terribly long post, I realize! Due to labored breathing, again, I must see the Pulmonary Specialist tomorrow & possibly have my lung drained, again. Pray thanks that doctors actually specialize in these matters & are equipped to help patients like me. I'm profoundly grateful God has granted such knowledge! Pray for courage for me, as this is done while I'm awake, & a bit unnerving to me. I'm so thankful all I have to do is sit there & this doctor does all the rest for me!

As I look back at this day, I understand I am a beautiful garden God spoke into being! I live in a fallen world (a world that is apart from Him) & weeds grow here. When I think of Him gardening my life, I am at peace. If He spoke me into being, He cares what's happening in my life. A few weeds don't surprise Him. New weeds & fast growth don't scare Him. EVERY weed is subject to Him!

This Gardener I will not trade for any other!

Blessings!

Walking in Confidence

White blood count took a hit & dropped. This is not what you & I have prayed would happen. It is, however, still high enough for me to receive Chemo next week & will be taken, again, immediately before treatment to confirm my body's ability to take the next dose of treatment. For those of you who constantly love us & pray for us, I thank you! God is listening & answering! This, to me, is a hard answer but not a harsh one. God, for now, is keeping all of us- together- on this road. He can be trusted, so we walk . We don't just walk, but we walk with confidence. He IS!

My cancer marker was not measured on Friday, but should be this coming week. I was excited to hear the measurement of this number, but in waiting another week, God gives me strength. Waiting a few more days to know the answer, is no big deal when relying on a God who is not bound by time. He has taught us much about waiting these last two years, so with some lessons learned, we wait.

This weekend, right after labs, some of the dearest women in the world to me- The Washburn Women- gathered for a girls' weekend with Randi, Taylor, Paisley & me. Let me just say, we needed them & the time was blessed! No words, really, can express the love we have for these women who are not biological sisters, but neverless, sisters! God brought me to this family nearly 35 years ago & even with the imperfection found in all of us, the love runs deep! Love like that comes from Jesus & every one in that group knows Him well!

One last detail before this post ends. My hair is "leaving the building!" The next time most of you see me, I will be the cute little bald lady, again! Losing my hair is not something that will ruin my day, but, whenever I pass a mirror, is a reminder I'm sick, again. The last year & few months, I've looked & felt so great & it was encouraging to have my nice, thick hair! It was a sign of wellness to me, so I share this loss with you because cancer is a complicated journey & not as simple as all that.

God gets the glory today! It was one full of hope, disappointment, love, laughter, sorrow, loss, grace, sunshine & chill! It was a day He gave me & in it's fullness of emotion, I praise Him! It was a gift & I thank Him. It was undeserved & He gets the credit for this day!

Blessings!

Haircut, The Hills & Blood Counts, Oh My!

It's possible that I'll lose my hair again through these rounds of Chemo, so I put off going in for the normal haircut & highlights, until I know for sure. (It's shocking, I know, that my pretty blonde hair is not completely natural! hehe) Eric & Randi, however, disagreed with my decision & made me an appointment to keep me lookin' good through these treatment days! Randi & the boys took me to see Susan McPeek Baker (hair-stylist extraordinaire!) & she got me all fixed up, as usual! Thank you to E&R for the thoughtfulness & thanks to C&B for all their "help" at the salon! Love these boys!

Last week I turned 54 years old. In the same week, Mike & I had had our 27th anniversary at The Hills Church of Christ. I realize I've been blessed to spend half my life at one of the best churches in the whole wide world! I love the people of this church & am incredibly thankful to walk with those who love Jesus with their whole hearts! We're also connected- through Jesus- to thousands & thousands of Christians around the world saved by the grace of our beloved Savior! I'm just thankful from the bottom of my heart for the community of this incredible place! (There is ALWAYS room for more with Jesus, so please make Him your life, if He's not already!)

Tomorrow are "labs" for me. PLEASE pray the cancer marker count is DOWN & the white blood count is UP! This blood work is what tells the story of what's happening inside my body, so I'm begging God for this! I'm not ashamed at all to beg Him for what I want! I am His daughter & I stand secure in His undying love for me. I trust He'll do what's best for His glory & I praise Him either way, but He's said to tell Him my heart's desire, so the conversations we have are constant & intimate about these matters! Thank you for taking my name to our loving Creator!

Blessings!