"The Joy that You Bring"

In the year 2000, as Taylor left for college, this is the poem I wrote her. Taylor, you & Randi are pure joy to me! Now, your children! God is good! I pray this blesses & encourages all parents to love their children. Besides salvation & the love of a godly spouse, I guess the greatest gift on earth, is children.

The Joy that You Bring

The great news, another child,
This made my heart sing!
A sweet baby to love,
Oh, the joy you would bring!

The Lord is good, He heard my plea
A mother is what I longed to be.
He knew my heart and my inner need,
He knew the utter joy you'd bring!

A shy little girl with the softest personality.
"Happy" is the word that fit you to a tee.
Sucking your thumb while watching TV,
Or being toted from store to church to school by me,
You with "Jason" and "Lisa" would go with the flow,
Without you all these things I would never know.
Oh, the joy you did bring!

The Lord uses you to teach me many things,
Great confidence grew from your shy beginnings.
He has loaned you a while, so that I may see
A daughter with a faith so strong and deep
And a love for Him.
Oh, the joy that you bring!

Estonia, Mexico, Honduras, all of these;
I pray for you down on my knees,
Even through good-byes and tears on my cheeks.
Your telling others of Jesus,
Oh, the joy that you bring.

Has there been a mother more blessed than me?
I dare to think not and with my heart I sing,
"Thank you, Lord for this incredible honor.
Oh, Taylor, the joy that she brings."

Love, Mom
2000

"My Daughter, My Own"

In 1997 one of the most important people in my life graduated from high school. I wrote that person- my daughter- Randi, this poem out of deep love for her. Randi, I post this now for you & Taylor & all the young parents I love so dearly. May it bless your lives as you securely walk with Whom you belong.

My Daughter, My Own

Oh God, thank you for the baby to be
A heritage from You
You know what "it" will be.
Will "it" be blond, will "it's" eyes be green?
This beautiful baby, whether he or she
You have created "it" and You have seen
Your miracle at work inside of me.

This is awesome! A daughter!
But wait, this scares me!
What if we fight, what if we scream
What if I'm not the mom I should be?
I'll let her down; I'll fail miserably.
The Lord softly answered, "Faithful,
I'll be. I will never leave or forsake her,
So give her to Me."

Oh, Lord, I am nervous. I want her to be
A woman of your heart, a lover of Thee.
What can I do to make sure it will be?
The Lord said with love, "Just leave it to Me."

What if she falls or gets hurt, or she cries?
I'm trying to watch her, but know I can't be
Everywhere all the time when she's two and she's three.
"Be anxious for nothing, just give her to Me."

What will I do when she's in her teens?
Out driving and shopping, dating and working,
How safe will she be?
He whispered with mercy and kindness to me,
"I have a plan for her life,
One of hope, not calamity.
I've got a plan for her, if you'll just
Give her to me."

"You see my sweet child, she's MY daughter, MY own.
She belongs to Me; to you she's on loan.
I gave her breath, life and an eternal soul.
I formed her, she's Mine and forever she'll be,
So watch her and guide her but give her to Me."

Now that she's leaving, an adult she will be
I'm thankful each day I gave her to Thee.
She's Your's, dear Lord, for You can see,
What a mess I'd have made if it had been left to me.

The Lord said, "I love her and she is to Me,
More precious than gold, so it pleases Me,
To have shed my blood to set her free.
She'll live with Me now and for eternity."

She's ALL Your's, Lord, for now I see,
She's only been on loan to me.
Thank you for the joy she brings,
This precious daughter, YOUR Randi.

Love, Mom
1997

Because I'm His

In knowing & loving such people of God- I am indeed the most blessed lady on the planet! People- you- have shown my family & me nothing but love, mercy, respect & utter dependence on our God! Thank you! Thank you with all I got!

This is a weird road to walk- for sure! A hard, ugly cancer road but one full of peace & confidence! How can that be? It can only be because of our very loving Lord- our Creator who HATES disease! Our Savior who loves deeply & our faithful Lord who keeps every promise! Knowing & feeling cancer over-taking my physical body is just weird. It's the strangest thing to not be "yourself" anymore. Your "normal" day is a new normal- not the one you've been used to for so many years. It's very hard to explain, but it is what it is, & learning to live with it is far better than denying it or pretending it isn't happening. Walking in the reality of cancer is also walking in the reality of heaven. It's walking in the reality of life after death; the reality of living this life in an eternally saved position instead of under a grey cloud of doubt about eternal matters! Walking with cancer is not something I want anyone else to ever have to deal with, & yet, walking with cancer is walking a very, very close walk with a very loving Jesus! For that, I'm forever grateful!

My cancer marker has taken another jump & will do nothing but rise from now on. The bloodwork will cease now, as will the CT scans, now that Chemo treatment has stopped. The doctor will take all my calls & treat me symptomatically. What this means is that I won't be going to tests & doctor visits but my Oncologist will continue to prescribe plenty of comfort meds as I let her know what is hurting & how badly. Just today, she increased the dose of pain meds for me as the pain increases & previous doses just don't completely take the "hurt" away. Since I have two separate pain "issues" with cancer & continued healing from lung surgery, I'm incredibly thankful for these pain meds as I'm no hero! I'm thankful I live in this century, in this country & have these resources available to me! This may not be for others, but for me, bring on the pain meds! These meds have already helped me to do some things I really wanted to do (soccer games to name one) & couldn't have otherwise.

I mentioned earlier that God keeps every promise, so I'm going to name 4 of them I cling to now. (I learned these from Mike many years ago & knowing them & believing them helps me in these more difficult days!) These promises are mine because I'm His. He is my God!

1) Amnesia Promise (Jeremiah 31:34) Because I'm His, He'll remember my sins no more.
2) Stain Removal Promise (Isaiah 1:18) Because I'm His, my sins that were scarlett will be white as snow.
3) East-West Promise (Psalm 103:12) Because I'm His, He removes my sins from me as far as east is from west.
4) Deep Sea Promise (Micah 7:19) Because I'm His, He throws all my sins into the depth of the sea.

I live in the Lord- not because I'm perfect, but because He is. I don't jump in & out of this life with Him. I'm all in! I don't pick & choose what I obey Him in- obedience is the whole package! He knows I'm not perfect in the way I live, but the commitment to serve & follow Him is sure! He promises His children forgiveness & eternal life! I'm His daughter, so I get to claim His word! What a God I serve! Even on a cancer road! Even on a road uncertain to me.

Because I'm His, I sleep tonight. Because I'm His, I live eternally with Him. Because I'm His, even a cancer road can't keep me down for long!

Blessings!

The Business of Need!

Easter! One of the best days on the calendar, for it points the world to Jesus Christ & what He's done for all of us! Friday, as he died on the Roman cross, was truly the darkest of days. Seemed so hopeless. Then, Sunday comes! His tomb is empty! He's victorious over sin & provides a way to God ALmighty! He's alive & is to this day! What a Savior!

Now, He's done all of this for all people- now it's our turn- the ball is in our court- as to what we do with these actions from the Son of God! Wow! What happenings! He's waiting for a loving response to His love. What will we do? Everyone gets to choose how to fill this hole in our hearts. Will it be with people, things, wealth, fame, power, apathy, entertainment, denial? Or, will we fill this hole with Jesus Christ- our risen Lord? Our ALIVE Lord! Our loving Lord! My choice is Him! Always Him! Every day it's Him! I can't & won't take what He did & do nothing with it! Thank you, Jesus, for Easter! For beating sin & death & saving me! For getting me back to Father God! For, without You, there's no way to get to heaven! You did it! You won! You provided! You deserve my praise & You have it! Amazing Savior!

God & I have shared many intimate conversations throughout my lifetime. These last two years have been a bit unique because of my physical illness, so now I share one of these intimate times- since there's no better time than Easter. Thank you for your unbelievable support through these two years. My prayer is that your own walk will be enhanced as I share some of mine. God wants all of us in heaven with Him. If you want Him- you can have Him, all because of Easter! All because Jesus rose from the dead! Wow!

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I guess I told God right away it might be a mistake! I told Him some things about me, surely He'd not realized or had forgotten! I reminded Him that I was & am needed here on earth. Mike needs me. He needs me as his wife, but also his helpmate as we serve The Hills Church! There are so many needs in a church this size with missionaries around the world! All these people need godly men leading & God had placed me in a position to minister to Mike! Surley God remembered this! I minister to Mike so he can minister to so many others!

Next, I reminded God that Randi, Taylor, Eric & Tyrel need me. They need my guidance, encouragement, direction, wisdom, etc, etc. See, I KNOW God gifted me as a wife & mother. That's my calling from Him. This is not bragging- it's simply fact. God gifts all of us with purpose in this life & I know in my heart, this is the gift He gave me! Now, my grandchildren need me! What is He thinking ? Cason, Braden & Paisley need me! I can help them know You! I can help lead them to You! Are You SURE about this cancer thing? Please, God! Reconsider!

Mike & I are commited to helping hurting people all over the world! We send our money, our people & our prayers to people we don't even know! We pray we'll see people in heaven because of the reflection of Jesus in our lives towards them. They need me, too!

God's overt response to me was a very hard pill to swallow! He said, "Sharon, they don't NEED you!" "All these people you've named don't need you at all! They need ME & Me only!" He went on to tell me over & over, "They like you, love you, enjoy you, look to you, but don't need you! You've been fulfilling the calling I've given you as you love & minister to all these, but they still don't need you. They NEED me!"

This was disheartening, at first, for I felt needed & like God had given this direction for my life. I felt I was doing what He wanted. So, it was all a bit confusing... then He repeats AGAIN- "You did not create them, you did not save them & you are not their Holy Spirit!" "All they truly NEED is ME!" "The hole I put in your heart & the hole that is in every human can only be filled by Me! Whether you are in the picture or not, I will pursue them until they fill the hole with Me!"

As we talked & I listened more & more, this news turned from disheartening to freedom! God's right- always has been- the people I love the most don't need me- they need Him! The downtrodden we don't know but choose to help don't need us, they need Him! Whether my life continues (& is a vessel for Him) or my life ends, God is Who I need. God is Who you need. I can point, pray, help & encourage to the Lord... but that's all. The choice is up to each one. I'm not needed for that choice- only Him!

My view of those I love has been so different these two years. As I help anyone in Jesus' name, I view their journey differently. God is at work as He pursues! Holy Spirit is convicting & comforting! Jesus constantly is providing the way to God! That's all any of us need!

Thank you, God for your words & your love to me! Taylor told me in the San Diego airport just as I was boarding an emergency flight home last February, "Mom, no matter what, you WILL see Tyrel, Paisley & me in heaven!" This brought such calm in a troubled sea! For you see, Mike will be there! Randi, Eric & their boys will be there, too! So many I love & so many I don't even know will be there! They don't need me to get them there! Only their Almighty God! That's worthy of praise!

The business of NEED is God alone!

Blessings!

God's Timing- God's Gift!

To date, this may be one of the most difficult posts to write, simply because it's terribly personal. Since Day 1 of diagnosis, Holy Spirit has been relentless in His prompting to me, "write it down- get your journey out there- even though you have no idea of what's going to happen or any outcome. Just do this because I've said I want it done!" (February, 2009 this journey began. I've done my best to be faithful in His call in my life for I know of His faithfulness to me. How can I possibly deny Him?)

So, here I am. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks out of lung surgery. Even though the surgery threw me a curve ball & was quite a surgery- I'm very, very glad I had it done. It has relieved my breathing (& I'm partial to breathing! I rather like doing it every couple of seconds!) I do not breathe normally, but the improvement of what I'd been suffering for a couple of months is dramatic, so I'm thankful! My appetite has not fully returned (I presently eat about 1/3 of what I normally would eat.) But, again, it's way better than what it was- so, again, I'm thankful!

This brings me to now. Currently, my Oncologist needs me to fully recover from the surgery, just to be strong enough for the next regiment of treatment. (I'm already at a physical deficit- so any strength I can gain will be helpful since the Chemo doses they give me are potent & take all my physical strength!) There are 4 good sized incisions in my left, back ribcage that continue to be terribly sore (I guess God put our ribcages there for a reason to protect those organs... so, messing with the ribcage & beyond is tricky business!)

Together, all of us have been united in prayer for my outright healing. We've also been praying for my name to be chosen for the PARP Lottery - as this drug is not FDA approved, yet. (It is, hopefully, going to help women with Triple -Negative Breast Cancer someday.)

Some of our prayers haven't been answered the way we want. Some of our prayers have been answered with additional doors opening for me, too. My name has been chosen for the PARP Clinical Trial. Mike, the girls & I have had some extensive conversation with Oncology as to what all this means. To participate in this trial, more CT Scans and labs are needed as a "starting point" to measure the effectiveness of the drug or it's ineffectiveness. There is absolutley no current data in either direction. So, we have been on our knees for many days, asking- no begging- for God's wisdom & direction in additional treatment or no treatment.

Let me say again- this is a very personal decision. It's a decision I hope none of you are ever faced with. It's a decision that may have different answers for every woman & even different answers in that same woman's life- depending on so many other variables.

My decison- after constant prayer- & MUCH peace, is to decline all treament from now on. The "toxidity" of PARP, in addition to the two new Chemos is just more than I want at this point in my life & disease. Since there is little data, there is no assurance- at all- these drugs will help. The only thing we know for sure, is that it will not kill the cancer. At best, it will delay it's growth- if it works at all! Either way- it will put me back on the sofa for many of my remaining days. Right now- with the limited energy I have- I'm just not willing to give that away. This decison could possibly limit my calendar days, but having no treatment will allow me to live out my days- no matter how many or few there are.

Oncology is still preparing for the clinical trial for me, should I change my mind next week. (Since I'm a woman- I reserve this right! LOL!) But God has granted me much, much peace in this matter. Mike, Randi, Eric, Taylor & Tyrel support me 1000% & their understanding & support are critical to me.

I believe with all my heart, God has provided me two paths of which He'll bless completely! That's His character- not to give a "right" or a "wrong" path, but two good choices for my life! Oncology expressed the same thing to me. There is no right & wrong, but my life & my choice. They have commited to making my life & last days comfortable with either path I choose- again- I'm thankful!

The cancer is growing at a rapid pace within me & as time goes, it's robbing my body of nutrients, which will make me more & more fatigued. That will be the natural progression as I understand it. For now- I want every ounce of my energy to watch Cason play soccer, hold Braden & feed him candy & squeeze little Miss Paisley! I want to eat the three of them up & enjoy all my moments with them- with some sort of energy! I want to enjoy Mike & do some things together we want to do. I want to be with my girls & their husbands. I want to go to The Hills Church with all those I love & praise God together! I want to spend time with family & friends. I just want to live life- no matter the number of those days! I figure God has those days- & He's not bound by time- so I trust Him.

Don't think I'm not begging Him daily for more time! My whole life I've longed for heaven. I want to see Jesus & talk with Him friend to friend like He did with Moses at the door of his tent. I want to meet Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Jonah & the Apostles! I want to talk with mothers throughout the ages who lost their children or their own lives simply because they named Jesus as their Lord. I want all these things! I want to praise God- truly praise Him- with reckless abandon- no holes barred! In the same breath- I find myself begging God- "not yet!" I'm not sure I understand this part of me except that I'm human & love the gift of life here that He's given. I love the people He's surrounded me with & His church. This is all I know- so maybe that's the reason for the dual-ness within me.

So, bottom line - no more treatments (only comfort meds from now on), living life & loving people for the rest of my days. Cherishing every moment with my family & filling those moments with tons of laughter! Trusting God with my days & finishing strong as He intends.

Thank you for prayers! Please do not stop praying for us! This journey is hard & not getting easier. We lean heavily on our Lord who promises His presence! He is holding up every bit of that promise & we don't walk this road alone. I'm so thankful we know Him! He can be trusted!

Living, breathing, loving, cherishing & seeing some things through God's eyes are priceless to me! Living & dieing in Him- well, that makes a win/win situation for me, now doesn't it? This is what I choose. This life- here & forever- I live with Him!

Blessings!

Simple Love!

Thanking all of you in advance for continued love, support & prayers! We're surrounded by the most incredible people on the planet & stay humbled at every turn! I got to see Cason play Upwords Soccer Saturday morning, which was pure joy to me! Then, Randi drove me to a wedding shower yesterday afternoon- again- bringing me such joy to know this young woman since birth & now a woman of Godabout to marry a man of God! That's good stuff! I've had to learn (& still am) to pace, pace, pace! I can do basically one thing a day & spend the rest of the time laying on the sofa. This stinks since my whole life has been full of energy! But, it is what it is, so most days, I'm ok with it! Every now & again, I feel sorry for myself & cry a bit- then, God gives me His new mercies each morning & provides perspective, & I'm good with my new "reality". My close family & extended family completely understand & support every effort I extend. Then, my church family does the same thing! Incredible support! Everyone tells me just how good I look, & I do actually. What I mean is that except for baldness, I look healthy & look like I'm feeling good. When I'm around people, I tend to get hyped up & energized... but crash physically when I get home. As a result, Mike, Randi & Taylor monitor me closely in protecting me physically & emotionally- I'm incredibly thankful for them! Got to thinking these last weeks how loved I am. The expressions of kindness toward others on my behalf is really amazing! These stories coming to me of what you've done for others is sobering & humbling! This love is expressed toward my family & me in many ways & it's humbling to be the recipients of such love. This sort of love in undeserved & never earned- it just is. This is the kind of love God has for you & me. Undeserved & never earned. He's loved me (& you) way before birth, simply because we are. He formed us, knows us intimately well & loves beyond anything we can measure. I'm very blessed to have known this love all my life. Born into a loving family & one that explained & showed God's love. Then, when Cason, Braden & Paisley were born into our family- they were loved at the moment of birth (if not way before) & loved beyond what mere words can explain! The three of them are loved because they exist- not because they've earned or deserve our family's love. They do nothing in the day that makes me love them more- I love them- no matter what! They simply were born. God is the very same with me- He loves me because I am- not because I've done one thing to earn His love. You & I may have had love from people off & on in our lives, but God is so different! He loves all the time! He loves because we are- not because of the good or bad we've done. His whole Bible is simply a love story to us- asking us to come back to Him & live with Him forever in Heaven. That's all He wants- & He loves deeply, hoping that's what we'll choose. I guess I've not always understood His love but have appreciated it- but there are times in our lives that that love is profound! It's deep & steadfast! It's unyielding & sure! It's there not because of myself, but because of Himself. He's the one with the love & He distributes His love with no boundaries! That's an amazing thing to think about! So, as my energy fails me at times, & cancer grows within me, robbing me more & more of that energy, I'm still joyful simply because I'm loved. The people around me understand God's love & pass it to me generously! This is deep & abiding love- love with no boundaries! I know deep in my heart God loves me! This love will not change, no matter what happens to me physically! I have chosen Him & know I'll live with Him forever in Heaven. This love brings peace. This love brings salvation. This love brings joy- in life or death! As I go back today for more lab work & current cancer marker- I thank Him for His never-ending love of me (& my family & you!) That's the love that gets us through thick & thin! That's the love that sustains! That's the good stuff that lasts for all time! Blessings!

Two Weeks Out!

In the morning will mark two weeks post-surgery! I've not written much at all, simply because of the fatigue, but know you're praying & lifting me to the Lord daily & nightly! I hear from so many of you via text, Inbox, FB & email. I'm so thankful for all these forms of communication! Thank you! I continue recovery, even though the process seems slow to me. Lots of trauma to my body, but glad I had the surgery done for quality of life. Mike & I still don't know a whole lot. This sounds strange, & is, but it's true. The Oncologist says she's even amazed at the rapid speed in which this cancer seems to be growing! She described it like a "wildfire" & has to sit & watch when & where it will show up next. Triple-Negative Metastatic Disease does not put us in a position of being pro-active, but rather, reactive. There is no rhyme or reason to it's spread nor the pace in which it grows. Those things are unknown to the medical community & research is being done as we speak. It is as different in each woman as there are women. It doesn't have a certain "path" it follows, or medicine it responds to. This is very difficult news for people who love us, because everyone, it seems, wants to know the "answer"! There is none. The ONLY cure for this disease is God speaking it so! But, for man, there are no answers, yet. Maybe, someday, like so many other diseases, man will find a treatment or cure. But for now, as much as a cure is wanted or thought is out there, there simply isn't. Yesterday, we learned my tumor marker (or cancer marker) has taken a huge jump. This is not good news, for it indicates to doctors the direction & pace of the disease. This is not the answer we've been asking God for. But, it is the answer we received. We trust God knows what He's doing. He always has, & there's no reason to think any different about Him. I go in, again, Monday for additional lab work to continue to track this number. The information we receive- almost daily- is ever new & changing, & makes it difficult to communicate fully like I want to. Monday we will have more conformation of the direction of my number. My name was added to the lottery for the PARP drug & has not been chosen, yet. There's a drawing each Tuesday, so we wait on that, too. Please pray about all these things for us. For complete healing at His word, the lottery, wisdom, cancer number direction, halt of the disease, more time for me to live with all those I love, greater faith & trust, living & dieing the way God intends. All these things we need His guidance on. All these things we trust Him with. All these things are easy for Him. Blessings!

Post Lung Surgery!

Whew! I've not felt like writing since surgery, but have thought every single day of the people who are praying for me & my family. I've thanked God every day for people who love us & for His love! There is simply no other way I could have gotten through this surgery & recovery but to have Him & His people on my side! Two weeks ago, as the Thorasic surgeon was explaining what he must do, I was hit with a brick wall of reality! My deeply spiritual prayer, was simply, "Father God! Please, please, please make this all go away!" "I'm so tired & I'm begging You to speak it gone!" He did not. I simply didn't have the courage within myself to get through this- but God provided just what I've needed & not a moment too soon! His grace is sufficient & I've leaned hard on Him & His promises to me! He's with me & I've never felt alone, so I thank Him! He didn't speak this disease gone for me, but has proven faithful to be with me as I go! We'll not know the full extent of success of surgery for another couple of weeks (this takes time) but I will update you as soon as I know. For now, even though my breathing is very restricted, I feel like I'm breathing better. My appetite is slowly returning, also, which was a goal of the surgery. I'd not been able to eat for weeks because the heavy fluid in my lung was sitting on my stomach, giving me no sensation of hunger. Each day, I feel like eating a little bit more, so again, am thankful! For this particular surgery (7th in 2 years) I had to have an artery line (in addition to the IV line in my right arm.) This is still hurting me & the recovery of this has taken me by surprise. I'm praying this heals soon as the pain is annoying! There are 4 incisions through my left rib cage that are terribly sore, so again, praying this pain subsides soon. I'm thankful every day for the decision I made long ago to follow Jesus. I'm thankful for His love, for His faithfulness, courage, strength & mercy toward me. I would never- ever- want to walk this journey without Him. My heart's desire is that anyone & everyone who ever is touched by this blog, never walk their journey alone! Don't do it! Sometimes the road gets bumpy & smoothes out. Other times, it gets rockier & more trecherous. Either way, there's a choice of Who goes with us. For me, it's Jesus. I thank you all for praying for & supporting me! I'm incredibly blessed by you! The stories we've received of the acts of kindness you've done towards others in our honor are just incredible! Your thoughtfulness, generosity & overt love of others is inspiring & uplifting to us! That's the bond of Jesus! That's the depth of love He provides! That's the cold water He passes out freely! This journey of breast cancer is one I never imagined I'd walk! I never dreamed this would be my life or my family's road! This is not something I'd ever chosen for myself or the people I love. But, here we are. So, we walk. And, we trust. And, He is faithful. Blessings!