Thanking God!

These posts are becoming a bit more difficult emotionally for me. I'm starting my post this way today because it's true & something I'm wrestling with, so I bring it to you, too. None of this is easy. At first one would think that knowing full in advance of death that that would be easier than not knowing at all so that all of one's life can be "tied up in a bow" and things would be neat & clean & then death would come & good-byes would be easy, too. Good-byes would be wrapped neatly up in a bow because everyone has had time to say all that needs to be said.
None of it is easy because there's not an easy way to die... IF you love living. If you & I love this earthly life God has given us with all the people, nature, newness, joy & knowledge of heaven, then dieing is hard. He gives & He takes away & it's all His'. It belongs to Him, so dieing is not easy, BUT He can be trusted with it. That's what I thought I believed & now I KNOW I believe it! Thank you, Father for your trustworthiness! This is no small thing! It's HUGE since I'm way too weak to do this on my own!
Hospice came by again yesterday, which is the 2 x week schedule we're on now & the same news Mike, the girls & I receive hasn't changed. This cancer is on the rampage! It is ravishing my left torso & will continue finding places in my body to take over until it runs into an organ or creates a situation that will take my life.
Saying the words, "I'm dying" are not easy words to say for me, because I love the living part of life. But, again, I am, so I pray God give me each day & teach me to really live that day. Spend it the way He wants it spent. Kind of like being handed a thousand dollar bill for the day & deciding what to do with it, or how to spend it.
That's where I am, deciding how to spend the day God has given me today. First thing to do EVERY one of those days, is thank Him. I just can't get past that... praise, praise, praise! He's the one who gave me the day. I did nothing to deserve this day & seldom have the wisdom I need to use it correctly, but I KNOW praising Him is a absolute right way to use it & nothing will stop me for praising Him.
The next thing for me- like I've said before is spending time with family & friends I love & who love me. I can't go wrong if that's in the "spending" agenda. For a time- as long as my body dictates, I've set a schedule that includes as many people as want to see me, can. Of course, Mike & the girls have no limits of any day at any time, so when I tell you this schedule, know it doesn't apply to them at all. Tuesdays & Wednesdays from 10:00 to 2:00 are visit times for ladies who love me & want to visit but don't want to intrude on my family or my rest times. (I'm the most blessed person o the planet to have such friends & I realize this.) Anyway, some of the ladies come on these days with Brown Bag lunches to visit. Others come to help with chores around the house & others make errand runs for me to the grocery store, etc. I look at this & am humbled at the crazy, crazy love being poured out on me. All I can do is praise God for His children & thank Him & them constantly!
As long as I can strick to this 10-2 schedule & get the rest I need, then I'll continue. If my body leads me in a different way, then Mike & I will make other arrangements. But, for now, that's where it stands for friends visiting. I have no choice but to follow my body to keep my margins up as much as possible. Too much activity & I'll be in bed the next day, so we're doing our best to live & love & protect what I've got.
I think I've already posted that another similar pocket in my left lung has no air flow anymore, so that is so disappointing & makes my breathing even more shallow & laborious. My left torso is very restricted in it's movement & I'm growing weaker which is very disappointing when I use that phrase in the same sentence as picking up & holding my grandchildren. Of course, they can still crawl up on Sweets' lap all they want, we'll just hold a bit differently, that's all.
Hospice continues to watch me closely & provides pain meds, oxygen, hospital bed, etc, etc. They're wonderful & are helping me live the way I want to live. Again, there's another praise. Even on the days I want to be mad at this whole thing, all I can do is praise Him. That's no joke- that is real. I have a good appetite & friends from church keep a running calendar to keep Mike & me fed. (Yes- another thank you!)
Seems like I'm having a lot of milkshakes, too. So, no complaints there!
I know the post got terribly long. I knew it would since I hadn't written in a bit. I guess what's in my heart the most is that God is remaining His good & faithful self. He gets my praise. He gets Mike's praise, as well as Randi's & Taylor's, & their husbands praise. My heart is joyful that before too long I get so see heaven & get to see Jesus face to face. I get to go where I've always wanted to go. My heart is full of sadness in leaving all I love here- for a time. You will join me if you choose because God made you & me a way to Him. God will be sad for you having to let me go but He won't be sad at getting me home with Him. I don't know how all that works but I fully trust The One who does know it all.
These are some hard days that are full of joy & submitting to Him makes sense because I love Him & want to be with Him.
Blessings!